Tag: negativity//

recently, when i’m alone, i don’t feel right

i don’t know really what’s wrong. when i’m with joey, or when i’m with nick, i feel fine, but as soon as they’re gone and i’m on my own, something feels…wrong

i’m…tired? i feel tired and unmotivated. lonely, for sure. i want to occupy myself with something but i don’t know what, i don’t really actually feel like doing anything. when i think about plans i have to do stuff, i get anxious instead of excited. when i think of making plans to do stuff, i get anxious too. 

it’s weird. i don’t like it.

Me: *dealing with the threat of a possible breakup*

Pandora, which has never recommended a song to me before: Hey! We think you’ll LOVE “Let It Die” by Three Days Grace

Radio playing everywhere I go: How about five songs about a break-up in a row?

Me:

Lemme describe my shitty day yesterday

My initial list of baths had 18 dogs on it. Some where taken off and some were added on, so I don’t know exactly how many I bathed, probably somewhere between 14 and 18. For reference, usually I have like, six. My hours were supposed to be from 8 to 4, i got there at 7:50ish in the morning and ended up clocking out at 7pm.

Two dogs on my list were set to leave at 11am. They were moderately well behaved, thankfully. But, while clipping the nails of one of them, I accidentally cut the quick without noticing (the dog didnt flinch or whine, and it didn’t LOOK like I cut too close so I moved on to the next foot). I didn’t notice until I looked down at the grooming table a minute or so later, and saw literal puddles of blood.

I started panicking, basically, and rushing to get paper towels and the styptic powder. My coworker came over, while I was, again, wiping up PUDDLES of blood, and started chastising me for the way the dog was restrained and my general form in doing this and that. Not chastising me for accidentally cutting the nail too short, not talking about anything related to the mistake I made to cause my panic. Chastising me for something completely separate, while I’m already panicking. (The director also happened to be in the room for this whole event. He said nothing and just watched.)

Then she grabbed the dogs foot from me and put the styptic powder on by herself to stop the bleeding (I was doing that wrong in her opinion, too). She said I should let it dry and we (”we”) can use peroxide to clean off the blood from the dogs foot. The problem there is that this dog was leaving at 11, and it was approximately 10:30.

I tried to clean it up myself while she went off to bathe her own dogs, but we didn’t have any peroxide. I told her, and she said she’d get some for me when she was done. Again, 10:30, dog leaving at 11. Someone from the front desk walked in and told me the owner was on her way. I told my coworker that, and she said it was fine, it’d take her “three seconds.”

She didn’t help me at all in the end. I had to struggle to clean off what I could with just water and a paper towel, and I couldn’t get all of it. The owner showed up basically immediately after I did what I could manage to clean the dog up.

I had to run to the bathroom after this, because I was so frazzled and embarrassed and upset and I couldn’t keep myself from crying. I cried in the bathroom for a few minutes before I had to get back to work, bcus, yknow, 17 dogs left.

I didn’t have time to take a break at all, so I didn’t get a chance to eat at any point until I got off work.

One dog was a walk-in that I was never told came in, so at 6pm the owner showed up wondering why her dog hadn’t been groomed. Thankfully, her dog was only scheduled for nails and a paw trim, but I don’t know HOW to do a paw trim, AND her dog was a struggler so I had trouble just clipping the nails. Especially after the incident that morning, which made me doubly squeamish about clipping the nails. 

My boss had to come in to help me, to tell me I wasn’t doing the paw trim correctly (thankfully she didn’t blame me; she acknowledged she intentionally never trained me how to do this, so me not knowing what to do wasn’t my fault), to tell me a bunch of other things I was doing wrong, and ended up having me hold the dog down so she could do it herself. Turns out though, that’s not what the woman even WANTED. So she gave both of us attitude as she left. But, my boss was just as irked about her attitude as I was.

That was around 6ish and I still had three or four dogs left to groom. All of them wouldn’t cooperate, wouldn’t climb up onto the table (two of them were too big for me to pick up), one of them peed on the floor, one of them tried to bite me, and one of them was yowling at the top of his lungs the entire time I tried to groom him. 

I was basically in tears for the last hour or more of my shift, just crying while working on these dogs. 

As a side note, the AC turned off at some point so the grooming room was grossly hot which made it much harder for me to keep myself from crying. 

And I was desperately holding onto “at least I can go home and be with Joey” all day long, bcus he didn’t have work yesterday, but I forgot that he had class at 6ish so I didn’t even get to see him when I got home.

PLUS the buses weren’t running, which I didn’t find out until I waited at the bus stop for half an hour, AND on my way to the bus stop some guy almost ran me over and I literally had to hop out of the way of his car that was inches away from me. 

So I ended up having to wait outside in the dark for Joey’s dad to come and get me, and had to have an awkward car ride alone with him. 

SO YEAH, BAD DAY

some days are perfectly fine and i come home feeling okay

other days like today are overwhelming and awful and i come home and cry into my pillow and want to just shut the door and never see the sun again

i’m not actually sure i’m really liking this job

i mean, it’s not terrible. but i dont like getting up at 5am to catch a bus that i have to ride for 45 minutes. i dont like having no idea how intense of a day i have ahead of me; i can either have a single dog to wash for the day, or fourteen. more specifically, i can have one super aggressive dog that freaks out and barks and thrashes and scratches me; or i can have fourteen very docile dogs. i dont like having to panic when an owner shows up two hours ahead of schedule so i have to really rush to get that dog finished within a 15 minute time period

i feel kind of pathetic, wanting to quit after only having been working for a week. i was looking for a job for so long and now, what, i can’t handle it?

joey told me “it’s not a good fit for you, and that’s okay. you should be happy.” and that makes me feel better, but…

i feel like i don’t deserve a choice in that regard

i feel like i don’t deserve to be picky