Tag: negativity//

im so tired

im so tired of having to run every decision i make past my dad

i’m so tired of him injecting himself into my choices, berating belittling and ignoring my opinions and desires, and then insisting that i listen to him and do what he says

and then when it gets close to time to make an ACTUAL decision he shuts everything down and blocks all progress

i’m sick of it

i’m so sick of it that i’m strongly tempted to just buy ANY car and ignore his fucking advice entirely, but i know that would fuck me over

i dont know enough about cars to know if i’d be making a good decision or not and his advice exclusively hurts my confidence

i just dont know what to do anymore and thats ALWAYS what happens when he’s involved

reireithesmilefaerie replied to your post: “negativity under the cut can i please just get over my hatred…”:

I love you a lot. And I’m so sorry this is what the outcome has been for you. 😦 if there’s anything I can do to help. Please lemme know. Idk why but my brain keeps going to me getting drunk and hanging with you to show you a less ridiculous brand of drunk ™

thank you, i love you too. honestly i feel like flood therapy or something is my best option but i’m scared i’ll get overwhelmed and make it a big thing, or even worse, get overwhelmed and then just sit here stewing in being angry and making everyone around me feel shitty

more than anything else i REALLY dont want to ruin anyone’s good time bcus of my personal problems

negativity under the cut

can i please just get over my hatred of alcohol please

i almost want to just get drunk myself and hope that obliterates whatever trauma makes me feel this way, but at the same time i feel like if i drink, part of me will shrivel up and die

it’s so stupid, and i KNOW it’s stupid, and i want it to go away so fucking badly, but no matter how hard i try to just will away this discomfort i just can’t get it to stop

i dont know if it’s better or worse that every time this happens, all my hatred ends up being directed inwards at myself because what the fuck is wrong with me, you know? why can’t i just be fucking normal?

i must talk about this like once every couple of months it’s so pathetic

it’s so bizarre to me that i feel like i have to look for a job in secret

like i feel like i can’t mention it to my parents, otherwise my dad will give me that whole “work for yourself! be your own boss! you shouldnt have to work a single day in your life!” spiel

and he’ll keep going on like that until my confidence is in the toilet (and it’s hard enough to keep myself confident about getting a job without him making it worse)

it’s already kinda stressful searching for an apartment and for an affordable car, but in each case i can kinda handle it once i get a feel for what i want/need/can afford

but every time i start to get used to it and the stress starts to go away, my dad swoops in and says something like “your budget is actually 30% of what you thought it was bcus my say so” or “no no no you gotta buy THIS kind and absolutely no other kind”

and then i’m stressed all over again

EUGH

there was a listing put up today that was a good price in our ideal location and it’s literally already been taken down

so either the price was wrong or someone has already taken it

so

you know

i put my job search on hold for a while to focus on learning to drive but now i really feel rushed to get a job

living in this house makes me feel like joey’s dad constantly sees me as a parasite, we have very little privacy and are constantly walking on eggshells. it’s affecting my self-worth and making me feel like shit increasingly often

joey’s brother moving back here in july only makes the situation worse. our privacy will be halved and our discomfort will be doubled

my dad offering to get us a place just gave me a false sense of hope. he never should have offered because he obviously didnt know how high the cost of living is around here, so all it did was get my hopes up and then crush me when i finally realized he can’t/won’t help us

my only choice is to try and get a job as soon as possible. then joey and my income might be able to get us an apartment.

i dont want to live here anymore

i dont want to feel constantly judged anymore.

joey’s brother has been living in florida for a year or more now by this point, but he’s going to be coming back in july or august and i ABSOLUTELY dont want that

we already have so little privacy in this house, having someone constantly in the next room over is gonna pretty much deprive us of any remaining privacy we might have. the walls are agonizingly thin so even if we speak softly SOMEONE is gonna hear us

plus, he’s always getting angry at games that he plays and bashes his controller into the wall or whatever and that drives me fucking bonkers

my dad is insisting we move out and i would LOVE to be gone by july but that’s just not going to happen. we’re stuck here until i get a job or until i learn to drive, and god knows how long that will take

ugh

sigh

thinking about my dad trying to force me to move somewhere is making me think about other shit that just…depresses me and breaks my heart

i dont want to think about it

i just want to pretend it wont happen