negativity// – Page 3 – Mégane à trois

i made the mistake of mentioning what driving school i’m planning to sign up for to joey’s dad

and he immediately went off with “oh steve went there and the instructors were terrible and it’s twice as expensive as everything else around here, the other places were better, and you took those classes years ago but didn’t follow through on those and THOSE were good classes and cheaper but that money was wasted” and i jUST

GOD now i’m so fucking stressed about it

of course i dont like the fact that these classes are twice the price but every other place around here has terrible reviews saying the instructors are awful, and this was the only one close by that had reviews saying the instructors were good. i’m already so anxious all the time, i need a good instructor so i thought this place would be the best choice anD NOW I DONT FUCKING KNOW

there’s one line in ddlc where sayori says “my brain was being really mean to me” about how she was imagining things that made her feel awful

and like honestly that’s a big mood for me right now

today feels bad

i feel kinda terrible

i’m gonna try to get some work done later today and maybe that’ll shake me out of whatever funk this is but boooooy i’m not doing great right now lol

i’ve been holding out for the money i’m getting from my great aunt to come in, so i could use that to start my driving lessons, but my dad is holding onto it and is apparently planning to give it to me in bits over time

UNFORTUNATELY that means i can’t start learning to drive until HE decides to gives me the money for it (which is very much something i wanted to avoid) and god knows how long that’s gonna take and i JUST WANT TO LEARN TO DRIVE ALREADY I’M GETTING ANTSY

shit all over the world rly feels like it’s rapidly going downhill

makes me wanna go off the grid, live in the woods in a cute little cottage with a built-in bomb shelter

is it like a form of depression or something when your brain insists on thinking about painful things? like, hypothetical futures that break your heart to consider?

maybe that’s just anxiety or paranoia, actually…

it’s been a while since i failed so hard at drawing something that it caused me to lose faith in my art skills and in myself as an artist

yikes lets not do this again

some emotional bs under the cut

it takes so much for me to get comfortable venting to someone about my insecurities

because i’m already constantly telling myself “your problems are stupid and don’t matter, why does this even both you?? it’s your own fault. no one else should care. you’re just being annoying.” and i’m scared that if i do vent my problems to someone, they’ll just tell me the same thing i’m constantly telling myself

i’m always worried someone will respond to my problems with “why does that even bother you. that’s so dumb.”

and like. I KNOW it’s dumb. i’m already angry at myself for being bothered by something dumb. i mean, that’s kind of what being insecure is, being nervous about something that isn’t actually a big deal.

“they hate you” “they’re lying to you” “you’re annoying them” “you’re overreacting” “you’re being stupid” “you’re pathetic” “no one loves you, no one even likes you”

OF COURSE all of that is dumb.

i don’t want to get comfortable with someone and finally tell them about my insecurities only to be given a “lmao that’s really stupid.”

it doesn’t help me get over the stupid things i’m insecure about, it just tells me that i’m an idiot and it keeps me from expressing myself anymore

hah

“it sucks not having a family anymore”

there’s that emotional manipulation i thought was suspiciously absent

well that was pretty upsetting

the last time i talked to my mom, she sounded fine

but today she sounded so different

she was barely talking and she kept stumbling over her words

she just kept saying “sorry, i dont feel good”

and it…rly…makes me unhappy