dont mind me im just being a bummer
i can hear the fireworks but somehow they’re just making me sad
there were a couple different ways i expected to spend today and none of them ended up happening
i probably should have expected those plans to fall through
it’s so so hard to keep telling myself that going out of my way to change all my plans wasn’t a waste of time
it’s just
i could be hanging out with my friends right now
i knew this would happen
maybe i should get a therapist to help get me over this before it happens
hm
i didnt see nick at all during may
and i kinda get the feeling i wont see him this month, either
i wonder how much of my recent mood is affected by that
so i just got off the phone with my mom
and i mean. i like talking to her, she’s certainly easier to talk to than my dad but.
she’s sick. my dad keeps telling me that she’s going to die. and she sounds so different from when i talked to her last. her voice is so much more tired and raspy.
i told her i’d keep in touch, and i want to because i LIKE talking to her and I WANT to have a good relationship with her but
the weight of it. the implication of it. they’re…kind of overwhelming.
i’m so bad at disliking people
like, if the hatred isnt mutual, I always feel bad.
ok so, like, i really dont like patti. she’s done a ton of nice things for me over however many years i’ve known her, but she’s also just…randomly given me and my friends shit? unprompted, for no reason? on top of trying to drag me into a fight between her and my dad, accusing joey of stinking (when it was actually just the house always smelling like shit), making my friends uncomfortable regularly, just generally being rude…
like. i shouldn’t be obligated to forgive any shitty behavior bcus that person has also done nice things for me before, yknow? but for some reason i always feel bad when i don’t.
she’s taken anger at her kids out on me, she’s destroyed my father’s property, she’s randomly interrupted me hanging out with my friends to berate us for not being active enough for her standards, she’s generally taken her frustrations at god-knows-what out on me and my friends by yelling at us about not recycling our soda cans so she can get some extra change, she’s told my dad that i never want to see him just as a way to one-up him in some fight i was completely uninvolved in, she’s blamed me for the fact that she kept saying yes to favors i asked of her instead of just saying no, she’s tried to force my friends into doing menial labor for her, she’s randomly insulted me and my friends at different points
even if i was okay with her giving me shit, the fact that she has no consideration for MY FRIENDS is really where i draw the line.
that’s probably the biggest reason i really am hard-stop with this. ain’t nobody gonna treat my friends like shit and leave with my opinion of them intact.
teslanik replied to your post: i wish i knew how to be zen like, i wish someone…
you’ll get thicker skin the more people you interact with. I’m one big ol’ callous
see, here’s the thing
you being a callous actually negatively affects me most of the time
and i don’t want to be emotionally stunted and unable/unwilling to communicate feelings with others
i don’t want to lie to myself and others that “i don’t feel anything anymore”
because that’s unhealthy and detrimental to interpersonal relationships
also, i’ve interacted with plenty of people throughout my life and I’m still like this, so uh, your logic is flawed. all it’s done is give me anxiety, so actually it’s the opposite of what you said
moonmammal replied to your post: so every time i see a job listing that’s retail…
you shouldn’t have to be miserable, but shit kinda sucks and there aren’t really any like, good and enjoyable entry level jobs out there, they’re all garbage jobs
i mean like, i’ve seen some jobs that are like…”bakery assisstant” in grocery stores and shit, which as far as i know are minimum wage and require a high school diploma at most, i would love to get something like that. something that isn’t customer service, essentially yknow? but i still feel like i’m not good enough for even that type of job.
and honestly, i would rather be like, a dishwasher than a waitress. i would rather have a janitorial type job than have to deal with customers screaming at me all day.
but then there’s also the issue that i know if i were to get a job as a dishwasher or something, even if it’s fine and i’m not miserable, my dad will give me shit for getting that type of job bcus “you can do better!” when no, i don’t think i can
so every time i see a job listing that’s retail like “server” or something and i pass it by, i always end up berating myself a little bcus that type of job is the one i’m most likely to be able to get, you know? and i pass it up bcus i don’t want to be miserable, i don’t wanna have a job that i fucking hate
but like…at the same time i feel like i’m not allowed to be picky like that?
i mean, if i want a job, i feel like i can’t be choosy about what jobs i get. i feel like i have to start at the bottom, in the jobs that people hate. because i’m a dropout with no work experience.
but i mean, i also don’t want to be miserable! i’m lucky to not be in a position where i desperately need a job, you know? i want a job so i can be comfortable and independent and happy…but if i get a job i hate, then sure, maybe i’ll be independent but i won’t be comfortable or happy! maybe i’ll have my own place, but then the only thing that will happen is I’ll feel pressure to keep my shitty job that makes me miserable so that i can pay bills. so then…it’ll essentially be for nothing.
thats not what i want. i don’t think i should have to be miserable just because i want a job.
Mégane à trois 